Illusions

Nothing’s what you really think it is…there are just illusions that you make for yourself to feel happy and ideal human beings that you create to be there for you… and when you really need them…well, then you see the reality and you realize that they are different, that everybody’s different from what you thought they were.

Illusions that make you happy and in the same time make you feel miserable because they are only in your head and you can’t change the reality as you want. They are just lies told to yourself…because this is what we do all our entire lives- we lie to ourselves. We lie and we believe the lies we tell to ourselves because these lies help us go on, help us live in an unreal world created for ourselves in order to makes us happy, in order for us to have the main role in it and to feel that you can control it, that everything will happen just as you want.

But reality comes and takes over… it destroys everything you had built until then and proves you are just a minute insect with no major role in this world. People you thought would do anything for you and would be there for you when you need them the most prove to be… or rather not to be at all. And somehow is not their fault because they were like this all their lives, just that you didn’t see it, you saw only what you wanted and you even created ideals, perfect human beings out of them. You saw them as you wanted them to be, as you need them to be, denying their true personality. And then, when reality strikes you fight against it, because you find it easier to fight reality then to realize and to accept that the world and the people around you aren’t like you wanted them to be, that all was just an illusion…then it hurts the most…it hurts because nothing’s like you’ve always believed it was and because you can’t do anything to change it.

As hard as you might try you just can’t change a person, you can’t make him/her be perfect for you…all you can do is to accept him/her just the way he/she is…or you could go out and look for that perfect person for you, the one that will be all you have dreamt about, so you wouldn’t need to create illusions…the illusions now will be the same as reality and you’ll be happy for real, no more lies…just a perfect life where everything is just as you believe it is, with no more disappointments.

And now I’m wondering if this really exists- a perfect life (I mean in this world, right here, right now)… I don’t know, maybe I’m pessimistic but I don’t believe it is possible, at least not in this life. People will always disappoint you and they will do this when you less expect and when you need them more… it is just a fact, just life, because the concept of life is opposed to that of perfection! And so we are meant not to have a perfect existence, meant to be disappointed by the ones around us…

Maybe because of this belief I don’t trust people, at least not anymore… and still they disappoint me and hurt me… I guess I have to stop expecting things from them once for all…but this will mean that I won’t let myself to be happy anymore and that I will accept total isolation;  it will mean in a way that I won’t dream, that I won’t hope anymore and this is the best we have, the things that help us live, the things that alive people do. So there’s no way… I can’t trust people, but I can’t live not expecting anything from them so I will continue being disappointed by them… maybe this is why I hate people and I try to stay away from them…but can’t stay away from all of them… have to accept some around and when those disappoint me, it hurts the most… and I try not to trust them anymore…but how to live with someone and not trust them??? Or how to live with someone you don’t trust? You sent all other people away and those are the only one you have…so you can’t not to believe in them anymore…you have no choice, it would be too painful… I really wish they understood this…

I feel lost in my own illusions…in my own world…lost, disappointed and lonely…