Die, die, die!

Die, die, die! Why don't I die?! Why don't we all just fucking die???

I think I must be on pills because I may be crazy...and I don't mean like crazy fun, but crazy like mentally ill. That is right, my emotional behavior must be in control at least two weeks per month. It is the only way I could survive without crying my eyes out, without screaming like a mad person and scaring off the neighbors, without hurting myself and without thinking about suicide every ten minutes. Why isn't there anybody helping me?! Why does nobody save me from myself?! Please, I am perfectly conscious that sometimes I just cannot think clearly and I lose all the control but I cannot help myself! Even in these moments I am aware that I am acting like a mad woman, but I cannot stop! I cannot stop screaming! I cannot stop crying! I cannot stop suffering! Why isn't there anybody helping me?! Please, help me! I don't want to be like this anymore! I wanna be a happy normal person! I just wanna be happy! 

My mum is kicking me out of the house, she says I make her life a living hell and would pay anything to just go! Go and stay some place else! Go and live some place else! Even in another city if possible! Just go! 

My lover does not really care about my soul. All he knows to do better when these things happen is to just ignore me! He hits "Ignore" and buuum! Problem solved! He says he cannot understand me. But sometimes he says he loves me. Sometimes I really believed that, but now I just...don't know anymore. In my opinion it is impossible to ignore someone you love when this person is suffering. Love and ignorance just don't match. After all, who knows? Who would love a mad person?! Well, only somebody who would really love her!

So between being kicked off and ignored I've thought I could just die! What else could a mentally ill person do when she sees herself alone in this world with no place to go and no shoulder to cry on?! What else than thinking to do all a favor and just fucking die?! Die, die, die! Why don't I die?! My life sucks anyway! Nobody cares anyway! Nobody loves me anyway! No fun, no understanding, no love! Die!

Maybe I will...