Useless wishes

I wish I could turn back time.

I wish I were a child again.

I wish I were in another place doing something else.

I wish I were better…at everything.

I wish I were stronger.

I wish you could understand me.

I wish you were here.

I wish, I wish, I wish…

There are a lot of things I wish right now, but none of them matters. When you are stuck in a moment and in a place, life feels like a burden. Time feels like an unbearable pain and daylight like a punishment. You know how to escape, you can see the key, but cannot act, because you cannot afford the consequences. That’s it – most people cannot afford to live. They just struggle not to be miserable.

It is strange that you cannot understand this. I hate it when you tell me to lay low and be like everybody else when my entire life I’ve tried hard to be different. I don’t want to be perfect, I don’t want to be the most beautiful in the room, I don’t want to settle with what I get, I don’t want to fake smiles and I definitely don’t want to be around tons of people. Instead, I want to be free to be me and I want you to love that me. Trying to change my behavior won’t get us anywhere. I may put all my efforts into being nice for a period of time, but at some point, frustration will take over and I will erupt like a volcano. Then you will strangely look at me, not knowing what the problem is and not understanding anything.

Well, the problem is you don’t get involved with a person hoping to change her all. When you love someone, you love her for what she is – crazy, wild, strange, mad, jealous, ambitious, selfish, ever demanding, suspicious, stubborn, unsociable, childish, moody and God knows how else. You love her because you know all these negative traits won’t ever outrun her love for you. But the question is – do you actually know this? Do you?