Brave new… place to live

Moving out to a new place can make you feel sad and nostalgic, but this was definitely not my case. Naturally, I love changes and new things – they keep me from getting bored (which is not an easy task). But this particular change meant more than just another place to live in. It came with the hope of a general change – new house, new habits, new way of thinking, new activities, a new job and basically a new life. High expectations, isn’t it? Oh, well, sometimes that’s all we have.

The enthusiasm lasted a while: “Oh, look, I found a place for this!”, “What a great view!”, “I love our new bed, is huge!”, “The living area is so inspiring!”, “This bathtub begs for long and bubbly baths!” But as time went on, that new life was still on the waiting list. Now I don’t want to be ungrateful and say that nothing has improved, because God knows that’s not true. The thing is, problems always find a way of getting to you, even if you change places. That new job still doesn’t exist and money is still short. No, I am not materialistic at all, I don’t love money, but I am thrilled with the things it can buy – new clothes, new shoes, new makeup (of course I am a woman!), long holidays away from home, new adventures and brand new perspectives on life. In one word, freedom! And God knows this is what I’ve always valued the most in my life – great freedom. Gentle as a spring wind, refreshing as the sea breeze, perfumed as all the flowers in the world, as if you could almost touch it. Just almost. And just charming.

And so far away. So, so far that I cannot see you at all, not even a tiny dot on the horizon. Not even a minute spot at the bottom of the sea. I can feel your presence, though. You are somewhere around, teasing me. I am really trying, but I cannot grasp you. Look, this text is now my hand reaching for you. Maybe you can meet me halfway. And not just maybe. Make it for sure. I am drowning here. Don’t be late.

Where are we?

Break, break, break the glass, break the routine, break everything around you. This is the only way to start new again. It’s the only way to find the way back to you. This is the solution to all problems. Break through. Start from the beginning. Don't look behind. Forget the past, forget everything. Keep only one thing in your mind – yourself. Do you remember you? The you listening rock music in high school and being rebellious, the you always in love with the wrong person, the you trying hard to be in the center of attention, the you breaking all the rules and pissing off all professors, the you fighting with your parents every night when coming in late, the you keep day-dreaming about impossible things. The you…

Let’s go back to the times when we had no responsibilities, when we didn’t have to spend all day locked in the office, when we didn’t have to pretend we like someone, when we were just…free. To the times when we were texting like crazy, laughing without a care in the world, drinking beer every evening, falling in love everyday with the same person, but loving many others simultaneously.

Let’s permanently live in a day of spring, with tons of butterflies in our stomachs and with the restless feeling of a new beginning. Let’s keep watching the sky with the innocence of a child and let’s forget about the stress of tomorrow. Let’s imagine there’s no tomorrow. Let’s imagine there’s no one else on the planet. Let’s do whatever we feel like doing. Or better yet, let’s feel something!

I want to get bored, I want to just stare at the things around and stop all my thoughts from going through my mind. I can’t deal with them anymore. I’m tired – I wake up tired every day. I’m tired of everything. I need to make a change. I need to stop time and to go somewhere far away from here. I feel I miss something, but I don’t know what. Maybe I just miss myself. But I really don’t know where to find me. This me has disappeared along the way and has been replaced with another one I don’t recognize anymore. Where am I? Where are you?

Useless wishes

I wish I could turn back time.

I wish I were a child again.

I wish I were in another place doing something else.

I wish I were better…at everything.

I wish I were stronger.

I wish you could understand me.

I wish you were here.

I wish, I wish, I wish…

There are a lot of things I wish right now, but none of them matters. When you are stuck in a moment and in a place, life feels like a burden. Time feels like an unbearable pain and daylight like a punishment. You know how to escape, you can see the key, but cannot act, because you cannot afford the consequences. That’s it – most people cannot afford to live. They just struggle not to be miserable.

It is strange that you cannot understand this. I hate it when you tell me to lay low and be like everybody else when my entire life I’ve tried hard to be different. I don’t want to be perfect, I don’t want to be the most beautiful in the room, I don’t want to settle with what I get, I don’t want to fake smiles and I definitely don’t want to be around tons of people. Instead, I want to be free to be me and I want you to love that me. Trying to change my behavior won’t get us anywhere. I may put all my efforts into being nice for a period of time, but at some point, frustration will take over and I will erupt like a volcano. Then you will strangely look at me, not knowing what the problem is and not understanding anything.

Well, the problem is you don’t get involved with a person hoping to change her all. When you love someone, you love her for what she is – crazy, wild, strange, mad, jealous, ambitious, selfish, ever demanding, suspicious, stubborn, unsociable, childish, moody and God knows how else. You love her because you know all these negative traits won’t ever outrun her love for you. But the question is – do you actually know this? Do you?